Is there a right for me to love someone?

I honestly don’t know how to react anymore.

I want to love someone.

I want to be loved by someone.

I want to know my beloved one better.

I want to love my beloved one better.

I want to love the part my beloved one hate.

I want to even more love the part that my beloved one love.

I want to reciprocate it, I want to feel the warm, I want to hug someone that I love, I want to have a quality time that we enjoy.

But……….. is there even a right for me to doing so?

Is there a right for me to love someone? After what I have done in my last relationship that does not even last that long? After what I sought in my loneliness?

I truly, truly want to love you. But…. these thoughts and feeling and guilt and shame and anxiousness envelope me… this fear of losing you… this fear of separation…. The awkwardness that came as the result of it…………………. I can’t…. I really can’t think straight anymore………. there was a time where I thought that I would want to confess to you and ask you to reject me because I don’t feel a single worth that I can love you and provide you a happiness when you are with me… and I sometimes wonder

‘Isn’t it better if I became a husk and does not feel any thing? I don’t know how should I act with this emotion…. It’s complicated…. It’s a contradiction……. I want it to end… right here and now…. I just do not know anymore….’

I love the you that is cheer.

I love the you that take care of your beauty.

I love the you that work hard for your goal.

I love the you that is beloved by your friends and family.

I love the you that is meek.

I love the you that is abrasive.

I love the you that is you.

The part of you that you hate, that you love, that you are insecure of, that you want to work hard for, that you want to hide, that you feel ashamed for, that you are smiling for, that you are crying for,

I want to know more and better about you,

I want to make you my world, and accept every single part of you,

and I want to truly love you.

I hope your gentle soul will find a the one that will make you happy.

I don’t have that right… and I wish….. I was… a lot… better….

It truly hurts me.

Maybe loving the Big Sky is so much better than this.